sorry dear friend

yesterday (don't ask me how. i was blog hopping), i stumbled to an old blog of a friend of mine, a dear friend i really held close to heart. and she was penning her frustration on how a friend of her kind of neglected her after finding herself a boyfriend. let's just name my friend A and A's friend (the one with the new-found bf) B. don't know why but i got the feeling that fren B was me

the way A described B, their relationship, the timeframe, it was all like soo kena dgn me. and i asked A was that person B me? she said she can't remember but she didn't think it was me. i even asked her to swear to God that it wasn't me. but A was kind of dodging the question. which further strenghtened my suspicion that it was indeed me. i apologized if it was me, then i asked her ape salahnye be honest and pls tell me who B was. then, i felt like i'm pushing her which really was tak patot. kalo dia tak nak bgtau dah la kan. and so i apologized again

i don't know why this was bothering me so much.. i was not angry that she posted those on her blog (if it really was me) but like i said, i don't know why, i don't know what i was feeling. i was so confused that i ended up crying, hard. which alarmed my sis. dia tny 'nape hg emo sgt ni. sbb period ke'. and i was like 'i'm not emo! i'm just, i don't know'. maybe it was the throbbing headache, or the sick-of-work feeling, or missing somenone, or my pms, or guilt, or simply this, i don't know. or maybe every bit of those were all jumbled up, making me sick with emotions. needless to say, i was in quite a sour mood all night long. i badly wanted to say something but i can't let it out

so A, i'm writing this so you can read it. i know you will sooner or later. i don't know how to say what i really wanted to say thru our messages smlm. i don't really know how to explain my thoughts. heck, i can't even explain what i was feeling to myself, let alone to someone else. all i know yesterday was that i wanted to know was i B. i wanted a solid answer, yes or no. i could take whichever answer. so long as i get one. and maybe i was bothered because i felt the need to explain myself. to justify myself

if it was really me, then i am so sorry dear friend. and i really mean it. i'm so sorry i haven't been a good friend at that time. and like you said, i had reasons. this is not just an excuse to defend myself. it was true. i was contacting my current bf masa tu using digi. with only one phone and 2 simcards, i can only use one at a time. and it was usually digi yang on. sbb i contact dia 24/7. i admit masa tu i mmg banyak lost contact dgn kawan2 maxis i. in fact, i lost contact with practically all my friends. sbb semua pakai maxis, no digi tu mmg contact dgn dia je. ade jugak yang merungut. but i can't do anything. being so bodoh gila mad in love, i never realized yang maybe ade yg terasa. all because i had just 1 damn phone and one fuckin bf back then. oh God.. how ignorant i have been.. which was stupid since my friends were the one who stood true to me in the end, not him

i'm not saying this to defend myself. or to deny that i did something wrong (if that was really me). i knew i was wronged. i just felt the need to explain things. and once again, i'm so sorry. really

i guess the reason this affected me so much was that i have had bad histories with honesty in friendship. a friendship without honesty which turned really ugly. kawan yg rapat mcm isi dgn kuku, gle rapat (housemates for 1year, roomates for 1 and a half yr) can turned into total strangers. someone you wouldn't even say hi or look at when she passed you by. she moved out of our room. and she wouldn't even tell me what i did wrong. she just decided that i was not her friend anymore. which made me so sad. and even though i repeatedly said to myself that it was her loss, i could't deny the loss i felt myself. and another close friend, which friendship without honesty too, went bitching me around behind my back. which she totally didn't know i knew about that and i was sweet enough to remain friends until now. although i don't really get why she did that, but never mind. all was forgotten. though not quite, but i'm trying

back to A, i'm really sorry ya. i hope i'm forgiven (again, if it really was me) i'm sorry i wrote this here but i can't think of any other way to express myself. and since i knew you read my blog, why not here. heehe. and i sincerely hope our friendship can survive through anything no matter what. boleh ke?

and for one last time, i'm really sorry.. not just because of this (if la i bkn B. although i'm completely sure it was me!) but because of anything said or done wrong since i had known you these past, how long a? since standard 4 kot eh. that was 1994. which means nearly 14yrs of friendship. wow.. lama kan. truly madly deeply sorry ye (i know you dah forgive me because you love me right? ;p) and do know that i love you too. lots

ps. this one incident got me thinking if there were any other friends i had hurt unintentionally. i remember a few but won't mention any names. anyone reading, sori sangat2. pretty please, forgive me. yg aku memang sengaja wat sakit hati xpayah. boleh blah. i'm sure you deserved that

pss. A, you don't have to leave any comment here. but i wouldn't mind any comment through phone though. heehehe