can't think of a title

i finished off two books last week. both about love and dying. how depressing. the 1st was about a dead husband leaving his wife letters for a year (one for each month) to help her through her grieving process. and another was about how a spoiled youngster fell in love with the sweetest girl ever, who changed him, only to realize later that she was suffering from leukimia and she died eventually. nice, bittersweet tales. both stories didn't made me cry. just sad and i have to admit a little teary- eyed. but i did cry the night i finished the 2nd book. not because of it, but because of my past. my own story. yeah, pathetic, i know. hah. loser

i had once thought of how if i don't hv him, then he's better off dead. did that sound right? no. let me rephrase it. i'm not that twisted i think. if i don't hv him, then i prefer not having him because he's dead. i'd rather hv him dead knowing he loved me than having him alive knowing there's really no love for me anymore. paham ke pe yg aku merepek nih. and was that still twisted? haish

it was such a small portion of my past but turned out to be bigger than i expected. the thing that happened left me mourning at times. funny what a fool love can make out of you. there were times when i was having better days, where i could bring myself to say wow, i feel great. i'm doing well. i'm coping. i'm ok. but then, after a while it hit. smacked me right in the face, between my eyeballs. and i came back down. oh, those things i said earlier were really just hopes. things i wish i could really feel. sure, i felt it for the moment. but that was all there is. just for the fleeting moment.

i know that what i'm dealing with was minor. there were ppl far worse than me, with bigger life-impact problems. like those whose countries are at wars. no idea what the future holds, heck, they don't even know if they will survive the day. ppl living in poverty. ppl xcukup makan. i do know that mine was nothing. i do know that i'm lucky to be living my life. and i'm not trying to be dramatic. it's just that... things get hard sometimes and i sooo wish it could be better. i wish i could change how i feel. i wish i could wake up and realize. i wish i could do better. i wish i could get over this. i wish upon wishes that one day i could finally say i'm ok and really mean it

and no.. i wouldn't want him dead no matter how much i cursed him. i want him to live a happy life. a long, happy, prosperous life. full of laughter. no pain. just pure happiness. really. oh, this sucks